Boots that Shine

Man I had a rough day. Well that’s not exactly true. I liked it in a way. I woke up and did this spin class at a gym I started going to in December. And that was great. The instructor really gets people going. And sometimes when I’m pedaling to the rhythm of the music I feel like I’m riding up a mountain, and everything in my life is falling into place. On every beat he’s screaming “Work! Work! Work!” and it makes me go harder than what I thought I could. And I think about my life, when I’m practicing my banjo and I just want to go home and watch a movie. But I should keep playing and getting better. I’ve realized that life is nothing without struggle, and if you’re not sweating, if you’re not bleeding, if you’re not on the verge of water welling in your eyes you’re not doing enough. Never settle, never be less.

I had a tough day because after that I was angry about some people in my life. But none of that really matters. Because it felt good to be angry, to stand on ground that wouldn’t crack. It’s easy aiming to be someone when you know there are people who you will never be like. It makes writing songs easier, seeing life and seeing what is true. I don’t think you can write a song, or anything really if you don’t know what you’re going after. And that attracts me to people, when they’re on fire about something.

I got my boots back today. There is a little shop on Wilshire Blvd and a man who works there. He’s alone there, working in his workshop. I had him replace the soles in my boots because they had holes in them. I picked them up and my face lit up seeing what good work he had done. And he saw the smile on my face and his face started to glow as well. We were both happy and I was glad to pay him. And now I’ll be walking in strong boots, and I’ll think about that man and spinning on a fake bike on the top floor of a gym. And I’ll know that what’s great is made out of a struggle, just like the dried rock that comes shooting out of the earth when it’s still liquid and glowing. If you want to tell me that life isn’t about chiseling something into being, protecting it and crafting it so that it can’t be changed or molded into anything other than what you envision then I would tell you you’re wrong.

Gods and Pebbles

I’m laying in bed, staring at the symbol etched into the wall by a flickering candle. I have this globe that my wife gave to me as a wedding present. Underneath it and attached to the arch that holds it up is what I guess is Atlas, crouching as he holds up the world. I watched him flicker on the wall, seeming bigger as the flame gave that image life. I wondered about that man and who he was. There was religion in it somehow. Philosophy that was larger than what we could dream of. Where does man discover the concept of God? Maybe man feels that he is a god, in his best moments. Maybe a man feels like he runs the world, or only his specific world. And maybe every man has his own world that he holds up and shapes as he sees fit. So there are many different worlds. Or maybe there is a God who looks over that blue dot in the expanse of space and we’re all lost, gaping at the firmament and searching for a reason why we feel like gods at times, but at other times we feel as small as the pebble washed up on the shore.

Coast

My brother drove along the coast today and we listened to the masters from our new album and I saw surfers and people paddle boarding in the water. There were a lot of them and they made me notice and appreciate the human form. And they made me think about America and how it is great and how some people don’t like that it’s great. Some people who live in America and are part of America don’t think that greatness is a good thing. More and more people from my generation seem to want to believe this, and it frightens me. I worry about it. How can anyone not worry about this? For when greatness dies, so does beauty, so does everything.

Jellyfish

I haven’t written in awhile, because I was afraid of what I might say. Do you ever become aware of what you’re thinking and then get scared that you would ever think such a thing? But then you also realize that the thought is empowering?

The other day I was at this sports store in my neighborhood, which is a store I really love. It’s a big huge store warehouse size and it covers almost every sport known to man. One section you’re looking at snow skis, and the next you’re looking at Scuba equipment. As I was leaving I see this little girl, probably 4 or 5, staring at a TV screen which is set up to advertise GoPros. She’s watching jellyfish, moving so slowly suspended in the water like alien astronauts. And I don’t know why, but it really stuck with me. It reminded me of that image that I think we all have in our head in one way or another of the monk sitting in the middle of a busy city, meditating as everything rushes by him so fast. And there is nothing too special about this. I think we just awe at it because we understand it. We understand that’s it hard to find some peace. Lately it’s been hard to find for me. And it shakes your faith, because it makes you start forming different thoughts about what peace is. It really makes you question who God is, and it makes you question the people around you who say they are worshiping the same God as you but for some aching reason the picture doesn’t match the description. And if their God is the right God, then maybe I’m worshipping the wrong one. To be clear, I’m not even talking about how we should all treat each other nicely, and if you are acting outside of a kind heart then maybe you’re not worshipping God. I hate to admit it because for some reason it feels wrong, but it seems to me that all people are generally the same. Wether you’re part of a church or a gym, people are all doing the same things, but the language is different because the description of the goals are different. But when you chisel away the language and all of the icing on the cake, I feel like everybody is gonna look pretty much the same. So you have to ask yourself, who is God?

One thing that seems so clear to me now is that God is not small, and he doesn’t dream small or think small. So when I see people who believe in God living small lives I’m confused, and it makes me question God. When that little girl was looking at that screen of the jellyfish, I don’t think she was thinking small. When I look at the mountains and the sea, I don’t feel small. So why should I dream small? Why do we have this cookie cutter image of the life God wants for us, and why does the church seem to get behind this idea of a small life, lived comfortably and secure? A friend of mine told me that he grew up in the church, and when he was really young the church community around him had the idea for his life that he should get married young, buy a house and start his life. He’s a little older now, is still married and loves his wife, but is on a pursuit to shake off the shackles of what he was told. There is a longing in him to see the world, and I feel like for some reason we want to suffocate this. I don’t think it’s wrong for a man to want to explore, to want to dare, to stand on the edge of a cliff and dream about how to fly off. God does not belong to the people leading quiet lives. This can’t be. I don’t believe it. Unless someone tells her otherwise, that little girl is not going to believe it.

Keep the wonder, and let it grow.